Saturday - Well, sayonara big ego as five-foot-two Keiko took my ass in tennis, turned it upside down, trampled on it, spanked it, and then pointed at it and laughed as I walked away in shame. Gotta lot to learn yet but she did convince me to join the team... Not her team; the other team! Games begin Jan 10th.
Monday - Bit o' good news as my probation has ended and I am now a member of team Kelly Slater. If all goes well we will develop a man-made wave suitable for surfing. Cool!
Tuesday - The problem, of course, when you are this cool and you know nearly everything is that you will at some point be called at work 14 times by a friend asking how to fix his leaking sprinkler pipe. The 15th and final call will be the one where he says he broke the pipe and asks you to come over after your 10 hour work day to fix it for him.
Thursday - M made soba noodles for dinner, a traditional Japanese New Year's dish. Although an argument could be made as to the entertainment value, I'd say, for the eater anyway, soba is better when chewed and swallowed, as compared with chewed and sneezed out your nose. Sorry,baby. I'll use less cayenne pepper next time.
Friday - Saw Avatar. Whoa. We are not in Kansas anymore.
... to be continued...
Monday, December 28, 2009
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Episode 37 - Vertigo Gone Wild
Saturday - Five-Bite Diet, Day 5. Got up to pee and couldn't walk straight. Did all that sushi whack my blood sugar or is this what starving does to you? Supposed to play tennis this morning but Ricardo texted that some evil parents are holding him captive. After four days on the Five-Bite Diet (and one night of sushi) I've only gained three pounds!
Sunday - Five-Bite Diet, Day 6 - World is spinning so bad I almost fell over getting out of bed. There's no way I can walk to the store for eggs. Good thing we have a car.
O.k. Screw this Five-Bite Crap. It's day 6 and according to our cheapo scale I'm either five lbs lighter or 3 lbs heavier. And I can't take this whole 'world spinning' thing anymore. Get out the way, baby. Where's them cookies the neighbor brought?
Tuesday -Keiko called and now I'm gonna try out this weekend to join her tennis team. They're gonna tell me if I'm too lousy to play with them or not. Would it be funny to act really hopeful and then play horribly on purpose? Naah, that would just be mean!
Thursday, Christmas Eve - Buncha peeps coming for Christmas dinner tomorrow. Don't know some of 'em. Hope it's nobody I pissed off...
...to be continued...
Sunday - Five-Bite Diet, Day 6 - World is spinning so bad I almost fell over getting out of bed. There's no way I can walk to the store for eggs. Good thing we have a car.
O.k. Screw this Five-Bite Crap. It's day 6 and according to our cheapo scale I'm either five lbs lighter or 3 lbs heavier. And I can't take this whole 'world spinning' thing anymore. Get out the way, baby. Where's them cookies the neighbor brought?
Tuesday -Keiko called and now I'm gonna try out this weekend to join her tennis team. They're gonna tell me if I'm too lousy to play with them or not. Would it be funny to act really hopeful and then play horribly on purpose? Naah, that would just be mean!
Thursday, Christmas Eve - Buncha peeps coming for Christmas dinner tomorrow. Don't know some of 'em. Hope it's nobody I pissed off...
...to be continued...
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Episode 36 - Dr. Strange Diet or How I Learned To Stop Eating And Love The Hunger
Saturday - Backsplash grout is sealed. So close to being done with it. Soon we'll be able to install the electrical cover plates and it'll finally look finished.
Sunday - Java, the sweet elixir of consciousness. Here's my recipe for 'Tornado Coffee': 1) Fill cup with coffee. 2) Stir rapidly. 3) Add half-n-half to outer edge of spinning coffee. Tornado Coffee! Wheeee! God, what happened to me?
Tuesday - The physical. I know why it's called that. It's physical proof that god hates us. I understand the doctor working his wife into the conversation. I did it, too. Because that is the gayest thing two straight guys can possibly do. Gawd crap, couldn't the prostate be located between your toes or something? Why does it have to be there? And what's with that frikkin' lube? Does he keep it in the freezer? And, while we're on the subject, am I alone in asking, 'What would be so wrong with hiring a nurse for that?' Maybe one with a whip and stiletto heels? Should be easy to find. They were everywhere on Halloween.
Wednesday - Doctor advised I lose some gut, so I'm on his 'Five-Bite Diet'. Skip breakfast. Five bites of anything for lunch. Five bites of anything for dinner. Worked for M. First three days are the hard part. 2nd day - Hungry but sticking to it.
Tennis. Down 5-3, came back and tied it. Then lost 6-5. Not bad considering my opponent is 2o years younger than me. Dinner. M is laughing at my five huge bites of noodles.
Thursday - Five-Bite Diet, Day 3. Dr. said this day would be the toughest, but he failed to mention that, 10 minutes after you 'five-bite' yourself a $7 meatball sub, the neighbors would offer your entire company a lobster lunch, absolutely free. I could only laugh when my coworker, carrying his big ol' lobster, said, 'Boy, it sucks to be you today!'
Friday - Five-Bite Diet, Day 4. Wasn't so bad. Little hungry at times, but nothing uncomfortable. Then to M's Christmas work party. Five-Bites, my ass. How do you stop at 'five' when there's a plate of sushi screaming at your face?
...to be continued...
Sunday - Java, the sweet elixir of consciousness. Here's my recipe for 'Tornado Coffee': 1) Fill cup with coffee. 2) Stir rapidly. 3) Add half-n-half to outer edge of spinning coffee. Tornado Coffee! Wheeee! God, what happened to me?
Tuesday - The physical. I know why it's called that. It's physical proof that god hates us. I understand the doctor working his wife into the conversation. I did it, too. Because that is the gayest thing two straight guys can possibly do. Gawd crap, couldn't the prostate be located between your toes or something? Why does it have to be there? And what's with that frikkin' lube? Does he keep it in the freezer? And, while we're on the subject, am I alone in asking, 'What would be so wrong with hiring a nurse for that?' Maybe one with a whip and stiletto heels? Should be easy to find. They were everywhere on Halloween.
Wednesday - Doctor advised I lose some gut, so I'm on his 'Five-Bite Diet'. Skip breakfast. Five bites of anything for lunch. Five bites of anything for dinner. Worked for M. First three days are the hard part. 2nd day - Hungry but sticking to it.
Tennis. Down 5-3, came back and tied it. Then lost 6-5. Not bad considering my opponent is 2o years younger than me. Dinner. M is laughing at my five huge bites of noodles.
Thursday - Five-Bite Diet, Day 3. Dr. said this day would be the toughest, but he failed to mention that, 10 minutes after you 'five-bite' yourself a $7 meatball sub, the neighbors would offer your entire company a lobster lunch, absolutely free. I could only laugh when my coworker, carrying his big ol' lobster, said, 'Boy, it sucks to be you today!'
Friday - Five-Bite Diet, Day 4. Wasn't so bad. Little hungry at times, but nothing uncomfortable. Then to M's Christmas work party. Five-Bites, my ass. How do you stop at 'five' when there's a plate of sushi screaming at your face?
...to be continued...
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Episode 35 - Backsplash
Saturday - Out of coffee beans. Working through the instant stuff we bought two thanksgivings ago camping in Death Valley. The bed, to M, seems to be more interesting than tennis, as I am unable to get her out of it. Should grout the backsplash today. But then again I could do it on Monday.
Monday - Well, the backsplash still has no grout. But the dog food bin is finally adjusted and the handles installed. Doorbell again. 2nd time today. Listen, ya crack-ho, I'm sorry about the dog barking, but I don't care if you're in high school or if you're knocked-up and homeless. I don't want nunna your teabags, candles, crackers, or incense...
Tuesday - And the backsplash is grouted. Take that! Laundry's done, too. Which proves that one can accomplish much when one's computer is debilitated by a virus. CRAP! It oughtta be legal for us to kill people who make such things... to kick 'em really hard in the nuts at the least.
Wednesday - This place is a refrigerator. Geez...us. Apparently the greenhouse effect is happening everywhere except for our house. HELLO... EXCUSE ME... A little global warming here? If you don't mind?
Friday - Pouring. Starting a gig monday for another high-profile client. Had to sign an NDA so I'm unsure if I can mention his name. I hope corn-on-the-cob this soon before my physical isn't a mistake. A disgusting one.
... to be continued...
Monday - Well, the backsplash still has no grout. But the dog food bin is finally adjusted and the handles installed. Doorbell again. 2nd time today. Listen, ya crack-ho, I'm sorry about the dog barking, but I don't care if you're in high school or if you're knocked-up and homeless. I don't want nunna your teabags, candles, crackers, or incense...
Tuesday - And the backsplash is grouted. Take that! Laundry's done, too. Which proves that one can accomplish much when one's computer is debilitated by a virus. CRAP! It oughtta be legal for us to kill people who make such things... to kick 'em really hard in the nuts at the least.
Wednesday - This place is a refrigerator. Geez...us. Apparently the greenhouse effect is happening everywhere except for our house. HELLO... EXCUSE ME... A little global warming here? If you don't mind?
Friday - Pouring. Starting a gig monday for another high-profile client. Had to sign an NDA so I'm unsure if I can mention his name. I hope corn-on-the-cob this soon before my physical isn't a mistake. A disgusting one.
... to be continued...
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Episode 34 - Gone Home
Monday - Back to reality after last week's cruise, or, as it should be called, 'Let's see if we can't stuff a month's worth of food into you in seven days.' Got up, still floating, and left something resembling a sledge-hammer in the toilet. Gawdawmighty, I'm not sure these 'cruises' are good for you. M's fears were for naught as her post-cruise weight is just 105! Amazing. How a 44-year-old lady can look like she does is... ? Baby, here's to another 10 years... and another... and another... and...
'Tuesday - M is over it but, to me, it still feels like I'm floating. Gotta get to the bank to exchange our leftover Mexican money and then re-start the work search.
Wednesday - Is it standard now for a job application to take 3-1/2 hours? Holy crap. 73 questions: 1/3 of them a variation of, 'What drugs do you take for fun?', 1/3, 'How often do you hit people?', and the rest, 'How much do you steal from work?' Then 48 sheets requiring my frikkin' signature and SS#, three more tests about 'How much do you know?', and then, 'Here. Take this large plastic device with the thing on the end and jamb it in your mouth for 15 minutes. This will tell us how much you lied about the drugs you take for fun.' I wanted to shove it up the guy's @$$, take his tv set, and go have a drink.
Night tennis with M, Ricardo, and Jason. Felt good. Floating sensation dying down.
Thursday - Wow. Floating picking up again. Maybe I should eat! I'll start with coffee but all we got is instant. Finished Prisoner of Azkaban last night. How 'bout that Sirius Black fella? Today I'll begin Goblet of Fire. Made an appointment for a physical... so I got that to look forward to... yipdee frikkin doo.
Friday - Dinner at the House of Pancakes. Quite the contrast to 'formal night' last week on the cruise. Another contrast is how frikking cold it is here now. And that there's no jacuzzi. Or a buffet. Or a dozen bars. I miss the towel animal on the bed every night...
... to be continued...
'Tuesday - M is over it but, to me, it still feels like I'm floating. Gotta get to the bank to exchange our leftover Mexican money and then re-start the work search.
Wednesday - Is it standard now for a job application to take 3-1/2 hours? Holy crap. 73 questions: 1/3 of them a variation of, 'What drugs do you take for fun?', 1/3, 'How often do you hit people?', and the rest, 'How much do you steal from work?' Then 48 sheets requiring my frikkin' signature and SS#, three more tests about 'How much do you know?', and then, 'Here. Take this large plastic device with the thing on the end and jamb it in your mouth for 15 minutes. This will tell us how much you lied about the drugs you take for fun.' I wanted to shove it up the guy's @$$, take his tv set, and go have a drink.
Night tennis with M, Ricardo, and Jason. Felt good. Floating sensation dying down.
Thursday - Wow. Floating picking up again. Maybe I should eat! I'll start with coffee but all we got is instant. Finished Prisoner of Azkaban last night. How 'bout that Sirius Black fella? Today I'll begin Goblet of Fire. Made an appointment for a physical... so I got that to look forward to... yipdee frikkin doo.
Friday - Dinner at the House of Pancakes. Quite the contrast to 'formal night' last week on the cruise. Another contrast is how frikking cold it is here now. And that there's no jacuzzi. Or a buffet. Or a dozen bars. I miss the towel animal on the bed every night...
... to be continued...
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