Episode 25 - The Steve Stalker

Sunday - Is some primordial urge fulfilled in all men or is it just me who occasionally twists my face into a mess, crosses my eyes, and stutters to my wife, 'Y - Y - You married this!' ? Either way, it's a useful device for keeping her humble. Got a call to work on the show 'The Office' tomorrow. I guess I'll go down there and see what they know.




Monday - Worked on the show 'The Office' all day. What? Did I forget to mention I'm a professional actor now? Oh yeah... That's me. Spent the day 'on set', as we say in 'the biz', with Steve Carell. That's right... 40 Year-Old Virgin. We're tight, both of us being professional actors and all. Gotta lot in common. I didn't actually talk to him, directly, or anything, but it's clear we have a kinship. I felt it. He was in his chair 40 feet away and he picked me out... in a crowd of 400 extras... and we locked eyes for a good... quarter second... and that's when I knew for sure that we were psychic brothers, man. Non-actors don't get it, like those stupid security guards who kept asking me to leave. I mean, I told them I was trying to talk to my bro. I explained rather loudly, 'Hey... I AM AN ACK TORE!' And Steve's my bro, man... Tell 'em, Steve!... ... Hey, Get your hands off me!' Idiots! So anyways, the proof is that... my good buddy Steve? He arranged for me to leave set early and go home. Ha! Take that! So, all the other suckers had to stay there and work all day and I'm the only one who got my own security detail to escort me all the way to my car. So there! Anyways, I'm just waiting at home here for Steve because, I'm sure he'll be calling to drop by and give me a bunch of money and stuff... Any minute now...

Got another call for Wednesday, some wedding scene or something...





Wednesday - It's not so much the gay wedding in the park. It's when the gay wedding gets attacked by sword-wielding, bomb-tossing ninjas, arriving in a spaceship that looks and functions exactly like a '76 Chrysler station wagon. That's when you know you're in Hollywood. Glad I was watching when they blew up the pasta because I was very nearly struck by a flying rigatoni.






Thursday - No work today, so it's either build the pull-out dog food bin for the pantry or come up with a clever excuse as for why I didn't... Let's see now...


Friday - While building the dog-food bin I was rudely interrupted by my inner bone-head and now the thing is 1/4" too wide. Frustrating. So, in order to avoid buying more material, I've gotta figure something out...

BTW, I didn't really get thrown off the set of 'The Office'. That was what us pros in 'the biz' call 'artistic license'.

... to be continued...

Episode 24 - Friday Night Sights

Sunday - Aaah, coffee, the anti-nose-hair. It's expecting a lot but if I can get M up before it gets hot we could get the windows replaced. Maybe if I slooowly increase the volume on the football game...

Yeah, baby! M is up and the windows are installed. Waiting for the neighbor's dog to start barking so we can make a sound test.

Monday - Frank Sinatra said, 'You only live once, but if you live like me, once is enough.' I say, 'Once is not enough if you didn't get a chance to sample Michiyo's Sake Chicken.' Baby, how do you do it?

Tuesday - There's a book called, 'All I Ever Really Needed To Know I Learned In Kindergarten'. Yeah... Well, maybe I missed that day but I don't remember my kindergarten teacher ever saying anything about not drinking coffee in the morning after pounding a Jalapeno Six-Dollar Burger the night before. Wheeew... Do NOT go in there!




Wednesday - Unemployment does have it's merits. For one, it allows amateur scientists to conduct experiments like 'How many days can a guy go without a shower before his wife threatens to call the authorities?' It also allows a guy to fix the dishwasher, which was chewed on by a rat causing the water to dump onto the floor three times before we realized it. That's weird... Why is the dish soap not dissolving?


Friday - Tonight I discovered a new hobby... call it... a Reason To Live... It's called Friday Night Football and it's got everything a guy could want in a sport: running, blocking, passing, hard hitting, wedge picking hot chicks playing football in their underwear. Welcome to the Lingerie Football League! And congratulations to the Dallas Desire, for a decisive win over the Denver Dream, who really took a spanking. Yeah, baby! Gentlemen, start your DVR's.


... to be continued...

Episode 23 - Full Time Writer

Friday - I prefer to think of it this way: My boss enjoys my blog so much that he's allowing me to write full time. But it's more accurate to just say I got laid off. One day before my birthday? Thanks, dude, for the generous gift. The upside is I can no longer say, 'I hate my job.' The downside is I have no excuse to put off kitchen work. Windows should be in Thursday.


Sunday - There are two schools of thought when confronted with a rat in your new kitchen. 1) Call pest control immediately and eradicate the problem, or 2) Place traps yourself, catch nothing, and then, upon sighting the leetle varmint, watch your wife scream, run out of the kitchen and trip over the folding chair like some drunken attempt at jumping hurdles. The first course of action may fix the problem more quickly, but the second is waaay more entertaining. Darndest thing I ever saw. Didn't even slow her down; kept right on running and screaming all the way to the bedroom.

Monday - Apparently the rats have been coming in through the doggie door. So that's gotta remain closed for a couple months until they're all gone. That means Sheila will have to hold it until morning. Also means I have no way to get in if I forget my keys.

Wednesday - Perhaps the worst thing about being laid off is that there is not one thing, no 'forest fire', no 'allergy', no 'sudden job interview', nothing, that can be used as an excuse as to why you didn't clean the shower. Sorry, baby. I'll get it tomorrow.

Friday - Registered with Central Casting. Hey, even 'extra' work is better than sitting on the couch, eating potato chips.

... to be continued...

Episode 22 - Boom And Julia

Sunday - First Dog Beach of the year. Sorry, ladies. I'm willing to bet Sheila is one of the smartest dogs here, but she still doesn't grasp the concept that your towel spread out here means this is your space. Do you need help getting the sand off your bikinis?... I guess not. ... ... ... ... Good dog, Sheila, that was hot !

Tuesday - Two throws with the football is all it took to knock down the tennis shoes that have been hanging on the power line out front since July. Sealed the opening where the range hood vent goes through the ceiling. After two months of practically nothing I'm actually getting stuff done. See baby, I'm not lazy. I don't care what your dad says.

Wednesday - All right. Rib eyes on sale at Ralphs. How can you get angry at a dog who sneaks under the dining table, sticks her face in your crotch, and belches. Sheila, you are one classy canine. Hoping our windows come in so we can get those replaced this weekend.

Friday - Was that Julia's bachellorette party raising a ruckus? Maybe. But it might also have been a sonic boom from the Space Shuttle landing. Scared the crap out of the dog. Congratulations Julia! But be warned: Peter is about to become 'no longer funny'. See Episode 11 - The Truth About Wives And Dogs


... to be continued...