Episode 49 - Enemy Mine Coffee

I love L.A. Where else can you go when you want to see a guy drive down the freeway, on a motorcycle, in between the lanes (you know how they do), with no hands! I watched that idiot smash someone's mirror and drive off.

M drilled me on baseline shots tonight. I paid her back by drilling her with a nasty backhand right to the boob! Twice! Oops! Sorry, baby! - 'Can you try to not hit me?'

Wow! ROUGH Saturday morning. M met a friend for dinner last night so, for me, that meant bar-hopping with Phil. Woke up feeling like crap and after half a cup of coffee I puked my guts out. I really should think about giving up coffee.

Episode 48 - Return of the Nerd

Busted my glasses last night in bed. In two perfectly equal halves. Super glue is holding, but not cleanly; it's lumpy, the joint is offset and it's completely obvious... My nerdness is now complete. I am standing, upright and tall, on the topmost rung on the ladder of geekdom. I reign over my kingdom and I see that it is g...





AAAAaaaahhh! Even as I am writing this I remove my glasses from my face to see just how dorky they look... and dropped them, breaking them again! Gawd craaap! More glue, bigger offset, lumpier joint... Even as I think I've reached the height of the ladder of geekdom, yet there is another rung to climb... and so climb I do. My dweebness knows no bounds.



Finally figured out how to get M to bed before midnight: put her through tennis drills for 2 hours saturday morning, then play tennis saturday evening. Team practice for 3 hours sunday morning and then top it off with more drills and rallying sunday evening. It's not even 10:30 and she's already in bed! Feels like I'm gonna be sore in the morning.


Our oranges are fantastic this year. We've been turning them into juice. During the 'Guy's Choice Awards' tonight M asks, 'Do you want some OJ?' I show her my glass and say, 'I already have some.' I didn't mention that there were two shots of tequila in it. I've had that bottle of tequila for a year now and it's only half empty. Clearly, I need to drink more.

... to be continued...

Episode 47 - Eating Girl

Saturday - M has names for some of the other women in Turbo Kick class. After a whole year, 'Eating Girl' hasn't lost any weight at all. M- 'She's unbelievable. She eats during the class!'









There's something wrong when a guy gets his arse whipped by his 5'2", 105 lb wife in tennis. There's something right when, after an arse whipping, a guy finds three cold beers sitting in the fridge. Ahhh. Tomorrow is our final class before signing up for the next session. We like this coach but he teaches on courts with no shade. Better have another beer before deciding. Life's sticky decisions always glide easier when lubricated with beer.







Sunday - Scary moment playing tennis when M fell over backwards and hit her head. I insisted on taking her and her grapefruit-sized lump to the ER. Not out of concern for her health so much as now she can no longer make fun of my tennis/ER trip back in February. Take that!






Monday - I'm very conflicted right now. The doctor gave me a list and I'm supposed to be watching M for any signs of brain injury. One item is 'Change in personality/behavior.' Well, tonight after dinner she said, 'I want wine.' Wha... ? She never wants wine. So my choices are: 1) Take her back to the ER and describe this sudden change in behavior; or 2) Go get some wine and hope this sticks... 2 it is... Riesling... She digs it... Yes!!





Tuesday - Seems M will survive her brain injury so I won't be going to Japan to get me another one.



Wednesday - M joined a tennis team. Soon it'll be my turn to complain about the amount of time she spends at tennis.



Thursday - A stressful night at the pub as the Lakers went down by 13... twice... before narrowly defeating Boston in game 7 for the championship. Sweet. M arrives late, squeezes through the crowd, giving the rubberneckers something to do, then puts her arms around me. Sweet. Some guy gave M a string of beads. She took 'em but I explained that she would not be reciprocating in the standard festive way.

Episode 46 - Scar Face

Saturday - Well it's sunny right now but they gave us juuuuust enough rain last night to cancel tennis class... yet again. I discovered that, if you grow whiskers, the stitches in your face blend right in. Can't see the stitches but you'll see the scar when this is all over. Scars are good. Chicks dig 'em.



(Months later)
Been away. The stitches didn't dissolve like they said so I put on my 'tough-guy' and, with a mirror and scissors, I cut 'em out myself. Now I got a lump in my lip the size of a small peanut. Had a barber shave off seven days while I pointed my revolver at his ribs for my protection. Then I walked across the street to the saloon for a whiskey. On the way I grabbed the town hottie and dragged her to a barn. Showed her my scar. Filled three cowpokes with lead over a dispute involving the finer aspects of poker. Watered my horse and then, because I don't much care for the sheriff, I blew up the jail with some leftover TNT I found near the gold mine. Rode out of town while the hottie threw her shoes at me. It was downright humorous when I flicked my cigar stump and it bounced off her forehead. It's easy being a tough guy with a scar like this.

Saturday - We've got over 80 tomatoes on our first tomato plants ever. One big red one which we may eat with juevos rancheros when M gets back from Turbo Kick.

... to be continued...

Episode 45 - Face Duff

Saturday - Tennis class at 7:30AM where Roddy demonstrated his artistic side by painting the court with last night's dinner. Dude! There's ivy just outside the fence. That's what it's for. You didn't learn that from drinking in high school?





Monday - I love watching the Olympics on tv. And Gabey, if, by chance, you told your teachers you were sick at home, you shouldn't have been standing in front of the camera at the cross-country finish line. You're soooo busted!



Tuesday - Tennis. It's aaaall fun and games, isn't it? Until someone puts his tooth right through his lip on his own racket. Crap. Seven stitches. That's gonna leave a mark. Can you say, 'Clutz'? I can.



Wednesday - I don't know who's got who's head up who's @$$ over there at NBC. First they let Letterman go to CBS and they give Leno the Tonight Show. Next, in a flash of brilliance, they move Leno to 10PM and then move him back to 11:30. And now their crowning achievement: broadcasting Curling all frikkin' day long. Listen... Morons... I'm here on the couch... I got a tooth perforating my face... I got nothing to do but watch Olympics... and you give me CURLING?... For EIGHT GODDAMNED HOURS?... CURLING???...

Thursday - Well, of course, the one day that Kelly Slater shows up at the shop to play with his wave machine is the one day I stayed home after remodeling my face... to watch CURLING. Timing... it is my specialty.

Episode 44 - The Hurt Luger

Saturday - Obviously our weather forecasting technology has a ways to go yet as the 'light dusting' of rain they predicted brought us 4 inches in 24 hours. Tad and Akemi joined us for dinner and afterwards we engaged in our favorite after-dinner activities: M and A conversed at the table while me and T fell asleep on the couch.









Sunday - Let's see now: cheese dip, jalapeno nachos, two kinds of beer, chocolate chip cookies, and ice cream... that can mean only one thing: It's Super Bowl! Congratulations to the Saints for putting Peyton Manning in his place. I bet the beads are flying around New Orleans tonight! Yeah, baby!





Monday - Ah, the perks of working next door to a TV production: I wonder how long we can freeload our meals off 'em before we get thrown off the set! Prime rib today; not a bad free lunch, I'd say.



Wednesday - Two weeks of rains and SuperBowl on Sunday and I've hardly played tennis at all. First team practice in two weeks tonight. Did o.k., but I'm not sure how I should take the captain offering me a free lesson next week. Let the learnin' begin.

Friday - I love the Olympics. But it doesn't seem much like sport when guys bounce off steel poles at 90 miles an hour. They want to blame his inexperience? Fine. But then why are they building a track with exposed steel poles and then sending inexperienced people down it?


... to be continued...

Episode 43 - Strip Teaser

Saturday - Fun Point To Ponder #1) What's more disgusting than a neighbor's dog who eats poop? That same dog licking your hand which you will then use to adjust your glasses, which places your hand in front of your nose and, well, one can imagine the outcome from that point.



Sunday - M and I played doubles against Ricardo and Lydia. Started talking smack when we were up 4-2 but then they opened up a fresh can of whoop-ass and we lost 7-5. Sure, it's disgusting when your neighbor's dog eats poop, but it's downright embarrassing when you have to eat shit yourself.




Wednesday - M's sick so I made dinner for her. That should ensure her desire to cook tomorrow.

Friday - After shopping for Noriko's B'day gift, M found glitter in the bedroom and immediately accused me of hiring a stripper while she was in Japan. Then she noticed that the bag with Noriko's gift had the exact same glitter so she knew I wasn't serious when I told her, 'Yes I did hire a stripper, but you have nothing to worry about... because it was a male stripper.'

So there.

... to be continued...

Episode 42 - Airport Arrival

Saturday - Dragged myself out of bed at 7:AM, freeezing, and for what? Class is canceled because the courts are soaked from the rain so, no tennis today.





Sunday - Day of football as the NFC and AFC champions will be decided today. In three days, M returns home after two weeks in Japan. Not that I'm trying to make a point but, since she left, I have not had to open a new roll of toilet paper.

Wednesday - Thinking about starting an advice column for married men. The following would make a nice first suggestion: Guys, do not immediately apologize upon arriving an hour late to pick up your wife from the airport. Allow her to comment first because chances are she was held up in Customs anyways and only got out to the street just before your first trip through Arrivals! If that's the case, she will actually apologize to you! And don't worry about her discovering the truth in your blog because, by that time, she will have already made you a fantastic dinner to make up for it!

First tennis practice after the rains felt great! Especially when returning a near impossible overhand slam from the net that everyone thought was a winner! Ha! I'll take that point, thank you, and next time don't turn your back because you thought the point was over! Suckas!

... to be continued...

Episode 41 - Rain, Man

Saturday - Brought my new tennis racket today to match #2 feeling good and with high hopes. The word 'Lost' doesn't quite convey the degree of humiliation my partner and I suffered at the hands of our opponents. Picture instead God's giant thumb pressing down onto both of us and, after smashing us into the asphalt, instead of merely lifting itself off, leaving us in a heap, rather, scraping itself sideways while maintaining it's crushing pressure, leaving behind a long greasy smear on the court. Yeah... That's about how it was. The score? 1-6, 0-6. Thanks to our other two doubles teams winning their matches, our team actually won the match. No thanks to us. Played Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and twice today, and cripe does my body feel it. Now I know why old people move the way they do: because it hurts!



Monday - Storms coming. Set a bucket on the patio and got just shy of 3 inches of rain in one day.

Tuesday - RAAAAIN! We're up to almost 4 inches now.

Wednesday - Why is it when your wife leaves town for two weeks, every woman that walks into your line of sight is smokin' hot? Gawd crap, man. Further proof the almighty hates us.

Thursday - More rain. Then hail. And more rain. Did I say 'Hail'? Is this frikkin' L.A. or, what the... ? Rocks the size of peas are falling from the sky. In L.A.!! Maybe those predicting the end of the world in 2012 aren't such idiots after all. Chips and salsa wasn't enough so I had bratwurst and beer for dinner at the bar. Miss M's cooking. Over 6 inches of rain so far.

Friday - Body is saying, 'Thank you!'. Haven't played tennis all week, thanks to the rain. Grand total for the week? 7-3/4 inches. The new stucco is getting tested.

... to be continued...

Episode 40 - The Tennis Player

Saturday -Here's a tip for you young married guys: When your wife comes home one day and announces her intention to begin some new activity like, oh, let's say tennis, for instance... just let her take classes on her own and be happy that she has a hobby. Do NOT take classes with her because the coach will only lock you into a weekly tennis game on Thursdays, you'll have tennis class early Saturday, you'll have to join a team which practices on Wednesdays and plays on Sundays for which you'll need to pay for a drills class which meets on Saturdays after your regular class. Before you know it, your dog won't recognize you, and your wife... remember her?, the one who started the whole thing?... the minute you make all these commitments, she will announce that 7:30 is too early to get out of bed for class and she's done.





Sunday - Match Day. Arrived early to warm up. Felt good. Then came the other teams to begin their warm-up. They're not so intimidating. Ok. M scoped 'em out and picked the very worst-looking team, a couple of old farts who hit the ball like they were afraid they might damage it. 'I hope you play those two because they're really bad!' Well, M got her wish! We did play those two... and they killed us! 2-6, 3-6. Gaaawd! What am I doing on a team?





Tuesday - Played with a loaner racket from the local Pro Shop. A good one. Whoa! Maybe I'm not so bad. Maybe my problem is that I'm too cheap! Now I know what dad's christmas money's gonna buy.



Wednesday - M left this morning for two weeks dictating tonight's dinner: a Jalapeno Six-Dollar Burger. Took my loaner racket to practice, eager to show the team how much better I've gotten since last week. It made no difference whatsoever. Not one team I have played on yet has won a single set! I'm not embarrassed... but I'm wondering if I should be!

Thursday - Well, it turns out that all is not completely hopeless as I finally won a set at practice... sort of... my partner was Keiko who never loses. Match #2 on Saturday against some rocket scientists from JPL. I'm hoping that, by the time they calculate the trajectories of our serves the ball will be past them.

Friday - Watch out JPL because Mr. Ken's got a new racket!

... to be continued...

Episode 39 - His Burger Friday

Saturday - Tennis practice for my first USTA game which is one week from today. What in hell was I thinking joining a team? Frikkin' Keiko, tellin' me to sign up, 'You're good enough. Don't worry.' I can't even hit the ball over the net. Gawd. This is going to be embarrassing...







Sunday - Finished The Goblet of Fire. Now I'll start Book 5, The Order of the Phoenix. Anything to take my mind off frikkin' tennis. Frikkin' Keiko.





Monday - I swear, if the object of tennis was to hit the very top edge of the net without going over, I could be world champion. First match in five days. Frikkin' Keiko.





Wednesday - First match is actually on Sunday, not Saturday as previously thought. That gives me Thursday to learn how to hold the racket, Friday to learn how to hit the ball, and Saturday to learn the finer points of strategy. Ok, at least now I have a plan. Frikkin' Keiko.

Friday - Sore throat, runny nose. Crap. First match in two days. M leaves for Japan Wednesday morning, which means I'm probably gonna get tired of eating six-dollar jalapeno burgers sometime around next Friday.

...to be continued...