Episode 30 - No God

Saturday - According to the record we are no longer undefeated in doubles. M says, 'No', but I say the other guys cheated. Worked half a day. Tried to impress the boss by describing my moonwalking abilities. His moonwalking story? Michael Jackson himself moonwalked in his shop.



Is there a better night for attending Oktoberfest than on Halloween on the last day of daylight savings? We get the 'Sexiest Costume' contest and an extra hour of sleep! Who says there's no God?




Oktoberfest on Halloween. Yeah. They had a rock band, decorated the place all special, put up big video screens. They even had four guys in Kiss costumes leading the party. All under a huge structure built to hold 2000 people. Trouble is only about 60 people showed up, us included. No people, no party, no sexy costume contest. There is no God.





Monday - Today we cleaned out our 'lunch' table. This thing is over thirty years old and was built as a magician's prop. On one side, in finely handpainted pinstripe lettering, a message reads, 'Built for Doug Henning by J. G. and Assoc. 1978'. To think that, every day, we're eating lunch off the table that Doug Henning used to produce Brooke Shields.





Tuesday - How is it possible that a stupid little moth can be so skillful at avoiding one's repeated swats as it flaps around your head and then suddenly drop like a rock right into your full glass of wine. Frustrating when it's the good $2 stuff from the fancy bottle with the screw cap.








Wednesday - The History of Magic Conference begins tomorrow for which I've been working the last four weeks. The best part of directing the 'Eidophusikon' is, with a name like that, you sound smart when you talk about it.


Thursday - Met Adelle, one of Harry Blackstone's assistants from the '40s. She's in her early 80's now, about five feet tall, and sharp as an Exacto blade. She wrote a book about her adventures with Blackstone which will be released in 2010.


Friday - Showed up at 8 AM to put the finishing touches on the Eidophusikon before performances begin at 10, only to find out that Doogie Howser requested a performance at 8:15 because he had to leave the conference early. It's not even finished, what the hell are they thinking? So Doogie saw the first run-through and then we patched things up after that. Over all, the Eidophusikon was a smash and seemed to impress all who watched. Obviously we haven't come very far since 1781 when the 'Eido' first astonished London. After it was over, the boss came back stage and said, 'Well, everybody liked it... I don't know why!'

... to be continued...

Episode 29 - Oktoberfest The Sequel

Saturday - Tennis class. Ha! Still undefeated in doubles. M and her partner are undefeated also so we'll have to play for the championship. Now on to more important things: Angels/Yankees game 6. The important part is we can watch it at the pub where they serve something called 'beer'.







Game 6 was canceled, so we went to Oktoberfest again where they also serve beer, but in bigger cups. Not being 'Family Day', people left their young'uns at home. Apparently they don't want their kids to know how adults really behave.









Sunday - Sleeping late is good for headaches. Watching the Angels play like Little League is bad for headaches. Found five Harry Potter books at Goodwill. I'll start book one tonight and see what all the fuss is about.





Wednesday - At work I was rummaging for some duct tape in the corner of a room full of junk when I happened upon Harry Houdini's handcuffs. I'm no antiques collector but that seems like an odd place to keep 'em.





Thursday - Learned that my boss hanged Alice Cooper by the neck and made the Statue of Liberty disappear. Many claims to fame, this guy has.

... to be continued...

Episode 28 - The Great Communicatatorer

Saturday - The Good: In tennis class my partner and I became doubles champions. The Bad: Every shot counted, and it seemed our opponents had never played before. The Ugly: The city delivered a tree to replace the one that fell over. Now I gotta dig a hole in 80 degree heat. Should be nothing for a champion tennis player.

Sunday - The category: Idiots and Electricity for $200. The Answer: About five years. The question: How long can you run the garage off of an extension cord before it deteriorates, starts sparking, and scares the crap out of your wife?



Thursday - M is updating her resume. I'm sorry for laughing, baby, but whaddaya expect when you ask, 'What adjective should you use when you want to say you're an 'excellent' communicator?'



Friday - Do our friends live in shady neighborhoods or are the cosmos just playing tricks on us? A couple years back Jim discovered he lived a few houses away from the lady who 'found' a finger in her Wendy's chili, and just today Phil discovered that the 'Balloon Boy' family used to live two doors down.


... to be continued...

Episode 27 - Oktobermessedup

Saturday - Ahhh, coffee and Celebrex: Breakfast of Former Champions. Maybe a slice of cappuccino mousse from M's birthday, and then tennis class.





Sunday - Well, I was right: No dancing, no drinking games, no contests, no MC's falling over; 'Family Day' at Oktoberfest SUCKS!! Now we have to go next weekend too to show them we are not utter nerds.





Monday - Landed a cool gig working for one of the world's premier illusion builders. In November I'll be presenting an apparatus called the 'Eidophusikon' for audiences of possibly some of the biggest names in magic. Could be fun.





Thursday - For my birthday, M took me to the Palladium where I realized old people all look alike. For about ten seconds I thought it was Bob Dylan when George Thorogood walked on stage. 'Woo-Hooo!! Blowin' in the Wind!!'... Wait a sec... That's George Thorogood... 'Woo-Hooo!! Bad to the Bone!!'



Friday - To the dog park after work where Sheila let a boy dog have it when he, you could say, asked her for a date. Atta girl! He won't try that again! Then to the bar to watch the Angels play the Yankees. Whaddaya know - the Dos Equis girls are here. Just a thought, but it seems like a beer promotion might be more successful if they hired cute girls.



...to be continued...

Episode 26 - Dial M For Birthday

Sunday - Today's advice: Do NOT be fooled into thinking that the more expensive wines are of higher quality. At 'Henry's' grand opening I passed over the $1.95 bottle and splurged on the $2.00 stuff and I gotta say, despite the price, that wine really is not good! Shouldn't have bought three bottles, I guess.

Monday - I shall now put into practice my long-held belief that when one finishes installing a pull-out dog-food bin into one's pantry, one has gotta take a shotta tequila. I'd go for more but M may get suspicious upon experiencing my enhanced sense of humor.

Tuesday - Note to Phil: When you offer to buy a friend breakfast at the 'cash only' cafe, you might want to consider bringing, you know, cash so that your friend doesn't end up paying for your breakfast instead.

Ok, then, let's try that again and this time we will not book an all night rodeo scene on the wife's birthday. Good thing they let you cancel. Oh well, I didn't have a cowboy hat to wear anyways.

Wednesday - Dang! It was so fun last year at Oktoberfest watching the MC drink until he fell over but this year our friends want to go on 'Family Day'. What the... ?? Sounds like another way of saying, 'Nobody will be drunk.' Oh well, maybe we can go the following weekend, too.

Thursday - Now that's when you really know you're unemployed: when you wake up on Thursday and realize you haven't showered since Monday! Happy Birthday Baby!! Don'tcha wanna come over here and gitcha summa this?!

... to be continued...