Saturday - Last tennis class of the year. Played against the coach. Showed him a thing or two. By watching me, he now knows how to walk off the court in shame and utter defeat. Gotta mow the lawn before our cruise tomorrow.
Sunday - D-Day. H-Hour. C-Cruise. Coffee's inserted. Sheila's at Tipsy's. Truck's blocking the garage door. Thanks, baby, for the best 10 years of my life... Now gitcher ass outa bed and let's bon voyage outa here...
Made the terminal and learned why it goes by cruise line. You stand in this line to go to that line, which is the line to be in in order to get to the other line over there, which eventually baby-steps it's way back around to this point here where the main line starts. Then that line follows all those other lines which all shift together on command eventually funneling into the final line which is delayed by photographers taking people's pictures. Over the bridge and onto the boat at last! Let's explore...
Monday - FOOOOOOOD!!! My gawd! No wonder people everywhere are starving. All the food is on the cruise ships! Two huge dining rooms, four buffets, deli's, specialty bars, rotisserie, and a gourmet steakhouse, not to mention room service. And it's all paid for, you just walk up and take it. Is the on-board spa ridiculing us by offering a class called, 'Tips On Flattening Your Stomach'? I got tip #1 right here: Stay off the frikkin' cruise boats.
Tuesday - Day at sea. You can't not relax. They force you to relax. What else can you do in the middle of the ocean with not a thing to take care of. At the dance party M and I got into that age-old marital debate. Funny how the wife's 'Jumping around like an idiot' is the husband's 'Showing the Lido deck how to dance to the B-52's'. Baby, these people clearly do not know how it's done...
Wednesday - Puerto Vallarta. BBQ shrimp skewers on the beach for 25 pesos? I'll take cinco, amigo! And dos of your cold cervezas. We'll be right here on your beach chairs.
Thursday - Mazatlan. What in hail are they putting in the beer in Puerto Vallarta? I only had two yesterday and got absolutely wasted. Now M is making up stories. I know they are false because I have no recollection. She says I had four margaritas which were probably doubles because I was tipping pretty good. Ok, so I remember that part, but then, she says, that, four times, I asked the people next to us if they were from L.A. After finding me at the bar, where she says she told me to stay away from, she insists she got me into a taxi and back onto the boat, she contends that I took a shower, crawled naked out of the bathroom, across the floor, under her side of the bed, and popped out from under my side with a 'stupid grin' (her words, not mine). When she asked if I was crawling because I couldn't walk, she claims that my response was, 'I can walk, but I'm doing this because it's so sexy.'
Your honor, I have no memory of the aforementioned incident as related to me by my wife. But I will go shopping with her, without complaining, here in Mazatlan. I will refrain from alcohol and naked crawling in order to increase by whatever small amount my beautiful, lovely, immensely-wiser-than-me, (did I say beautiful?) wife's happiness. Thank you, your honor, for commuting my death sentence and I will not have alcohol for the rest of the cruise. You know... within reason...
Friday - Cabo. 10-year anniversary. Thanks, baby, for the best 10 years a guy could ask for. Mazatlan yesterday was a waste of time. They should skip it and go straight to Cabo where, as it stands, we only had four hours. Missed our hook-up with Don and Jani but we saw a fantastic condo open house, and spent two hours on the beach before heading back to the boat for 'Formal Night' and some kind of comedy hypnosis act or something.
Formal Night - M with her hair up in her Chinese formal dress. What a vision. The women wish they were her and the guys wish they were me. Baby, I don't deserve you.
Well, we're glad we didn't offer ourselves as subjects for the 'Adults Only Comedy Hypnosis' because I'm not sure we want half the boat to know what we sound like when we're orgasming. Seems strange that the young lady sitting next to us volunteered and was videotaped by her... mom and dad? Ok, then... Those two now know their daughter's a screamer... and they have the video to, what? show the rest of the family?
Saturday - Yikes! Rough day at sea! Apparently dramamine cures your seasickness by making you sleep through it. Spent most of the day in our 'stateroom', as it's called, ordering room service and gauging whether or not the waves were higher than the windows down on the crew deck. Sure did seem like it.
Sunday - Arrived six hours late due to a medical emergency in Cabo and rough seas yesterday. Our first cruise and we are sold. That's how you do a vacation. Got Thai food, picked up Sheila and home sweet home. Weird. Still feels like we're on the water.
... to be continued...
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